I want to write a blog post once a month this year. 

I’m sure I won’t, but it’s nice to have goals. 

Anyway.

I thought for the first blog of the year I’d write about myself. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. Seriously though, this is not your typical “my favourite colour is purple, my first car was orange and I once drove to NSW because I was bored”, I’m talking more of those inner ‘Tanya Truths’. The ones that make me feel uncomfortable. Yay. Let’s crack on then.

• When I get too excited, stressed, confused, or tired I randomly have trouble with my speech, I’ll stutter or forget how to say a word. I don’t remember having this issue when I was younger, and it seems to have presented itself over the last 10 years.
  • When this happens I consciously have to stop myself, close my eyes and refocus. Which makes me look a little unstable.
• I had childhood epilepsy, and when I was little and would meet new people I would say “I’m Tanya, I have epilepsy” because I thought it was interesting. It was relatively mild, so after the first couple of seizures and fun hospital trips, it was properly diagnosed and I was on daily preventative medicine. It was always an odd/interesting story to tell and only impacted my life in small ways (no flashing lights, MRI’s and EEG’s now and then). Except for the fun fact that having epilepsy would stop me from getting my license. When I was 16 I had fully recovered and was able to go about my business.
  • In case you’re wondering, I’m still convinced that my epilepsy was caused by Karly hitting me in the head with a swing. She refuses to take ownership and pay retributions.
• I constantly struggle with imposter syndrome and have for a very long time. Part of this parallels with my belief that I’m never good enough. I’m not university educated. I don’t feel like I’ve ever “mastered” anything. There is always someone better. It’s a mind fuck and my coping mechanisms for it aren’t always the best –
  • When things are going well I get an overwhelming feeling that the other shoe is going to drop, which triggers my anxiety and it messes with my mental health.
  • I will quit/find a new job. Which doesn’t solve anything.
  • More often than not, I’ll fake it. Sometimes that is interpreted as arrogance, which yeah, kinda. To the outside observer, I am very sure of myself and my abilities. Not the case.
  • I hyper-focus on things I know I’m good at but ignore/delay things I’m not good at. Which isn’t responsible and all that jazz.
• I have strong opinions. I’m not afraid to share these opinions. I enjoy discussing thoughts and ideas with people and trying to understand their viewpoints and where they’re coming from. I try, consciously, to stand by my principles and values. I don’t think this is a bad thing. It can create bad things though.
  • At times my friends will avoid telling me things, I’m assuming out of fear of me telling them I think they’re wrong or that I don’t agree. (Which can be hurtful, because more than anything I try to support my friends, even if I don’t agree with them)
  • When I can’t understand what is driving someone’s opinion or point of view, I struggle and will push for clarity, which often results in a big fight or driving a wedge between me and the other person.
• I have many friends, but I frequently fear that I’m a “chore” or an “obligation” for people. I find I struggle to find a balance between to maintaining friendships, and not being too overwhelming.
  • The people who are closest to me, they’re my inner circle because they don’t make me feel this way. Don’t get me wrong, I still have that niggling voice in the back of my head, but it’s easier to squash it down.
• I have trouble getting to sleep. I won’t call it full blown insomnia, but most nights I struggle to get to sleep before 2am. Like, there comes a point most nights, usually in the hours between midnight and 3am, where I finally feel like myself. Where my existence is mine.
  • I’m not the mother, daughter, carer, worker, friend. I’m just me. I make my own decisions, watch my own tv shows. I don’t have phone calls, or text messages. I’m just Tanya.
  • This time is like a liminal space for me. Kind of like a truck stop on a long stretch of road – everything feels pointless and achievable. It’s the in between of what was and what will be. So, why would I waste that time sleeping?

So… that’s who I am. Well, part of who I am. My imperfections and flaws are all a part of me, I can’t really control my reactions or responses to things any more than I can control the fact I had epilepsy. I try though, I try not to be too much, too little, I try not to isolate or alienate. I try to make myself a better person each day, and I’m so very open about that. That’s not all I am though, I’m funny, witty, caring. I protect those closest to me, and would do anything for them.

I’m bored now and don’t know how to end this. Anyone got any thoughts on what I write next?