I’ve been hesitant to write about everything – Covid, lockdowns, vaccines – partly because it’s such a controversial topic and I have no room in my fuck budget to deal with people’s opinion on all of it, and the other part because my writing has largely been unfiltered – it’s what I do to help me process – so the thought of filtering what I write, in hopes of avoiding arguments, is quite unappealing. 

Nevertheless here we are. Today marks 5 years (to the mother fucking day) that I wrote my first blog, so it seems fitting I write something today. 

Tanya of the past generally wouldn’t shy away from arguing with people on controversial topics, it used to make me happy, but after 18 months of living with THIS *gestures broadly at everything*, you can understand that my drive to argue has reduced. 

I know that my opinion won’t change.

I also know that the opinions of others won’t change. So we’re stuck at an impasse. 

Let’s not undersell it though, in the past 18 months I’ve lost many, many, friends. A couple of which I once considered ‘Best’ friends. 

Losing friends because we can’t agree on something isn’t great. It’s also not the end of the world. 

Am I upset about it? 

I was. How could I not be? I’m not that much of a monster!

But it comes down to my fuck budget. 

I can’t give any more fucks to it. I can’t fix it, so move on. 

It’s not like I went on an ‘unfriending’ party and removed everyone who doesn’t agree with my *clearly superior* point of view (A.N. – that was a joke, don’t @ me). There are many people I’m still friends with that have differing opinions. I just try my hardest to avoid talking about all this shit with them. No battle, no argument, move along, please. 

I’ve written about how I’m often seen as quite stubborn and “all-knowing”, I’ve been told this by many people. My inherent drive to have my voice/view heard has been super controversial apparently – it ends up painting me as the bad guy – “Tanya was mean, she didn’t understand ABC’s point of view and opinion – Tanya bad.” 

I’m always the bad guy. Even when I wasn’t engaging in conversations, I ended up being attacked. That’s OK though – because Tanya, whilst being opinionated and stubborn, is also really strong – so that shit doesn’t impact her. 

It kinda does though. 

In a recent argument with a ‘friend’, I asked repeatedly – for over 30 minutes – to change the subject, that I didn’t want to talk about it. This request was ignored. Instead, I was accused of not being impacted by COVID, so I couldn’t understand. 

Let me be crystal clear – I’m so very fucking lucky. 

• I maintained my work/pay
• My job pivoted and I could (and still can) work from home
• I have a roof over my head
• None of my family or friends have died because of the virus

I’m lucky. 

That doesn’t mean I am not impacted. 

I too have been stuck at home for months on end. With a mother who hasn’t left the home in nearly 2 years, and an 11-year-old who is now depressed and suffering social anxiety. 

I’m anxious. For the first time in years, I have to consider what my mental state is and how to cope with the anxiety of every fucking thing. My sleep is fucked – all a sign of my mental state I guess. 

Every person I know is either depressed or angry. Struggling in their own way. 

I would never tell them they don’t have a right to struggle. 

That their struggle isn’t real. 

That respect hasn’t always been afforded to me – I’m a sheep, my life is not complicated nor is it difficult, I’ve not suffered (well, not enough apparently, because I’ve not lost income). 

So, no. I haven’t wanted to speak about this. Why would I? Does this feel cathartic? Not really. All I feel now is anxious and annoyed at the potential fall out of speaking my mind. 

Paint me as the bad guy all you want – go buy some paints, a canvas and a dildo to fuck yourself while you’re at it because I’m done dealing with all of this white noise.

Any way. 

I wrote a thing – aren’t we all happier now?

Be excellent,

Tanya