Who am I to you?

Who do you think I am? Who do you see in your mind’s eye when we have a chat? Or when you see me post? Heck, when you randomly think about me?

Chances are, you all have a different version of Tanya. A different face or experience varies your view.

Some of you remember me from school; where I was over the top, loud, outspoken, would take jokes too far and could be a real asshat. (let’s be clear, I’m still all those things to varying degrees).

Some of you remember me from workplaces, where I tap danced on that fine line between business and outright inappropriate.

Others will think of the late-night conversations, aimless drives, or the times I’ve been there when others haven’t.

Others will think of me as manipulative. Weak. Lacking courage. 

Tanya Train, what an elusive character.

It’s an interesting conundrum though. Which one is the real Tanya Train?

Am I the loud, obnoxious smartass?

Am I the smug/annoying person in meetings who says “Sorry, not to be that person, but XYZ”.

Am I the person who can sit there and give you advice and listen/care about your dramas?

Am I the person who will ridicule you because I’m bored?

Am I the person who always HAS to be right?

Am I the person who is annoyingly needy?

Well.

Yes. I’m all those things. End of blog post, thank you for reading…  

When I was younger at work, I had to learn to adapt my personality, to be a different person in front of all the business peeps that I had to endure. I’d call this “Work Face”.

Over time, I’d use ‘work face’ outside of work when I had to deal with people in general, I’d smile, be polite (ish), care, etc.

Basically, I wouldn’t be a fucking cunt.

I’ve written before about wanting to be the person who defines me, that I was sick of being defined by things not in my control.

How do you make that transition though? How does someone change that? How do I become defined by the person I want to be when I can’t control what people think of me?

Sometimes I tell people, new people in my life, who maybe haven’t seen me at my worst, that I get nervous/panicky when I know I have to catch up with people I went to school with or worked with years ago because I get revertigo. I become the person I used to be, I overthink interactions, be loud, obnoxious and will tell lots of jokes.

I become the person you expect me to be.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s not necessarily a bad person to be, but I don’t want to be that constantly.

A friend once told me, and I’m quoting here, “You can’t be scared, you’re the strong one”.

That belief, that thought (which was externally and internally embedded long before that comment) was so fucking paralysing.

That expectation that I am the tough one, the one with the answers.

Pair my outspoken nature with my controlling tendencies (add a smidge of wanting to be right), and you have “Strong Tanya”.

Over time, the person I present to you, over and over and over again, is the person I become.

How do I control that?

The issue with all this though. The crux of what I’m getting at is if I play the role you expect me to play, constantly changing who I am based on who you are, how do I know who I am at all?

How do I know that I’m not the worst parts of my personality more than I am the good parts? (even though I’ll cut a bitch for suggesting it).

If I’m a different person to myself, like internally, but I’m the only one that sees it, how is that who I really am?

Perception may, in fact, be a reality in this case.

So, will the real Tanya Train please stand up?

No. I prefer sitting.