“There is nothing in this world that can trouble you as much as your own thoughts”

I saw that quote this week and it spoke to me. You see, I, like many of you, over-think. Everything.

Well, mostly everything.

It’s fair to say that at my worst, I will stew on a passing comment you make. A conversation we had. A non-response to an email or message.

It bothers me.

The irony in this is that I consistently forget to respond to people, and often when I open my mouth my foot jumps straight in. Don’t take it personally, I’m too busy over-thinking things to remember.

In my advancing age I’ve had time to think about this. Why I drive myself crazy over the stupidest of things.

You’ll be happy to know I have no answer for you. Human weakness and whatnot.

The arrogance in me would mention that a lot of the times I’m right. A lot of the times when someone has said a snide remark, or avoided a question, I fucking get it. I pick up on the intent.

It’s honestly annoying.

I’m an analytical person by nature (and for many years, by career).

I have a knack for analysing motivations in people, it has helped me in some aspects of my life, like at work or when I’m trying to be a jerk to someone.

It’s probably not helpful though. Not really.  With overthinking often comes anxiety. Paralysing fear. Distrust.

Trust is a hard one, ya know? It’s hard to trust people when you’re sure they’re assholes. That their intentions are not pure. But… Am I projecting? Overthinking?

As sure and as confident as I am, I’m also really not.

I’m a mixed bag of conflicts and contradictions.

When I spend too long thinking about something, some situation, it’s kind of like my insides explode and want out. Want action. Fight or flight.

Chances are, if I think you’re avoiding me, or being a shady cunt, I’ll call you out on it. It may not be in the moment, it may be a 10pm text message 2 weeks after the fact, but I’ll do it.

My knack for overthinking creates some fun internal conflicts for me.

For example.

I spend time worrying about being too forgiving and too accommodating. I also worry that I’m too harsh and opinionated.

I’m proud of my values and will speak my opinion, but at the same time I worry about how that alienates people and friends.

I want my friends to be able to tell me anything and let me help them, but I get annoyed when people over-rely on me.

I want to dependable, but not have people depend on me.

I believe everyone is entitled to their opinions, unless they’re racist, homophobic, bigoted, misogynistic.

I’m the most introverted extravert you’ll ever meet (or, I’m an ambivert, whatever)

I hate gossips but love to gossip.

I over invest in friendships with people and build them up to be the person I think they are in my head, then get disappointed when they’re not.

I persecute people for not being perfect, while I’m as imperfect as they come.

I want to control everything, then hate it when I have to be in control.

I want people to leave me alone, then get annoyed when they do.

I want people to trust me, when I don’t trust them.

I will admit when I’m at fault, I’ll apologise for being a dick, even when there’s blame on both parts. Then I’ll resent the other person. Then I’ll be a dick again. Then I’ll apologise again.

I’ll hold on to anger, fear, sadness, hurt, yet I’ll keep trying to go back and make it better.

I want to be the hero, yet I relish in being the villain.

I am all of the things and at times it’s terrifying and paralysing. It makes me want to run away and it makes me want to cling to the familiar. It makes me miss people, or situations from long ago, that really weren’t that amazing.

It makes me over-extend myself.

It makes me fill every moment with distractions, because sometimes when I’m by myself with my thoughts it’s awful.

It makes me cancel plans, because sometimes putting on the Tanya façade that people expect is too fucking much.

It makes me lash out at people who don’t deserve it and forgive the wrong people.

It makes me know I need to change but hate people who tell me I need to.

It makes me human.

I am never only just one thing and I guess that’s OK.