Full disclosure now… I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to write in this blog post, like most things in my life, I thought of something (a title) and thought I’d run with it. See where the keys take me.

Fuller disclosure now… I obviously have some clue about what I want to write about, I’m just not sure it’s enough for an entire blog, and like, that is generally enough for me to NOT write at all, so, ease up yo, at least I’m writing. That would explain why I’m just typing random words though aye? Padding it out….

So…

How are you? You good? Kids good? How’re your dogs? Post a picture. I like dogs.

OK. Where were we? Yes. New year, same me.

This title/concept came to me over the past couple of weeks, having people ask or discuss their new year’s resolutions, and it kind of annoyed me. No judgement. New years resolutions are a valid lifestyle choice, I just don’t invest in them.

That’s not to suggest that I don’t have resolutions, I have many, probably at least 7.

My new year’s resolutions are the same as my December 31^st Resolutions. And my last years’ resolutions.

The 1^st of January didn’t land and make me think “THIS IS MY TIME TO SHINE”.

I’m hyper-aware of all the things I want to change. I want to be healthier, happier, quit smoking (yes, again, fuck off). I’m not going to bore you with the list, DM me if you want me to list them though. I may tell you to piss off, but hey, worth a shot.

New Year’s Resolutions kind of confuse me. Again, power to your bad self if they work for you, but for me it was like “OK, why wait till the new year, change your shit up now. I don’t care if its Smarch 29^th, do it”

I’m proud of how I’ve changed in the past year, past few years. I know me. I also know there are a lot of things I still need to change (Like, I’m still kind of a cunt sometimes). I’m working on it. The pressure of other people asking, enquiring and even knowing about them can be over-fucking-whelming.

You should know me by now? I’m stubborn (with a side of sarcastic).

Tell me to quit smoking? I’ll smoke extra, just because it’s none of your fucking business.

Go to the gym? I’ll sit out the front of it and throw donuts at you.

It’s not that I don’t want to better myself, I fucking do, but it’s on my terms, not on anyone elses.

So much of my life has been dictated to me. Thrown me between the rock and proverbial hard place.

I’d like to think that I take that, largely, in stride. This isn’t a pity party, I know so many people who have copped the rawest end of the stick, this isn’t a competition, but it’s also my blog so off you fuck with your judgement (Ala “everyone has struggles, Tanya”)

Right, my point.

My life isn’t open and full of freedom. Even before Mia, I had a dependent mother, needy friends, fears, work, debts. We all do. I could have chosen to not be the person I am today, to not have been there for the people I have been there for. That’s not me though, that’s not who I resolve to be.

So. I change on my terms (or as history has proven when pressure prompted by external forces).

This is my life, and if I sit here and focus on all the things I want to change in it, I’ll fucking go crazy. This is it. Well, something like this at any rate.

I don’t make changes or decisions willy nilly. What I do impacts my entire family and that’s fucking terrifying. That’s my every day though. I can’t make grand sweeping statements about what my life will be in 2019, because it’s going to fucking be this.

Now, I’ll improve, I’ll transform, I’ll go backwards too.

Resolutions aren’t once a year. It’s not a new Tanya strategy for 2019™. It’s a constant, everyday thing. Sometimes my resolution is to ignore everyone and stay in bed, and that’s fucking OK.

I refuse to abide by your New Year’s resolutions.

I hope yours all come true though. If one of them is to win $100m, feel free to send some of that my way.