I’ve mentioned before that I have anxiety. It is something I’ve struggled with on and off for the past 15 or so years. I spent a lot of time trying to identify what my triggers were and how to avoid them. (I’m a control freak, I hate public transport, I over think everything).

This can also mean I struggle getting to sleep, so here is a list of things that keep me up at night.

◦ One time at work I thought it would be fun to tell people I loved them. I’d randomly just add it into the conversation, it could be “ok, love you, bye”, or as simple as “you’re a legend, love you”. Anyway, I was 3 hours into my challenge when I told an ex-boss that I loved them, and they seemed really moved, it freaked me out so I cancelled my experiment. I don’t want people to think I like them, let alone love them.

◦ “If I fall asleep now I’ll have to be up in 7 hours.” “Now it’s 6 hours” “5 hours”. “4.” “Maybe I should just make a coffee and say fuck it?”

◦ I was setting up someone’s new computer once and someone asked a question about the mouse, or remote or something, and I was like, level 10 sarcastic, anyway, I ended up being wrong and looked like a dick. I think about that a lot.

◦ Where did all the toilet graffiti go? Like, remember how you’d go to a public bathroom and there would be graffiti and writing all over the walls? That doesn’t exist anymore. How am I meant to know who I call for a good time? Is this another thing that technology has killed?

◦ Am I too much for people? Should I tone it down? I’ve written about this before, that I feel like I’m a chore to my friends, this extends from that though, I’m loud and occasionally obnoxious, I constantly worry that I alienate people, that who I am is never good enough (for a variety of reasons really). I know this is largely irrational, and I don’t want to be a person who is concerned with what others think, but the thoughts still creep in. (Side note, Elyse Myers says it best though, if I’m too much, go find less)

◦ Apparently people don’t appreciate it when you say “I told you so” or “I was right”. So, what is the best way to make that statement? Sorry you were wrong? If only someone had told you that this would happen? It’s all passive aggressive. I don’t know. It’s not my fault that I’m right.

◦ Am I fucking up Mia’s life? Like, I know she has a roof, love and support, but I think every parent has that thought that they’re, in some way, just fucking up every step of the way. Would Uncle Murray be angry at how we’re raising her?

◦ The constant loop of stupid or hurtful things I’ve said and done. They like to make themselves known at around 1am.

◦ What the fuck will I write for my next blog post? Is anyone even reading anymore? Does it matter?

◦ I wonder whether that TV show or movie that I like is getting a sequel/new series? Will they ever make a Superman movie that doesn’t suck? What happened to that kid who played Alex Mack?

◦ Where do I recognize that person on TV from? (Cycle between me either figuring it out hours later or randomly googling the show and finding the actor, then doing random Wikipedia deep dives into random topics).

Now I know what you’re thinking “what a random selection of serious and joking topics”.

Yes. Precisely. Welcome to my life.

Have the day you deserve.

Tanya