The picture attached came up in my Timehop today. 5 years ago I thought I was cursed, 2 weeks after, my uncle passed away and I inherited a small child. I had no idea how different my life would become, and how minor my issues that day now are. This is my letter to my past self.

Dear Tanya of the past,

It’s me, Tanya of the future!

I’m writing to you from October 2020. It’s not been a great year to be honest, but let’s not dwell on that. 

I know you’re feeling pretty shit right now, you may even think you’re cursed. You’ve recently lost a bunch of money, your trip overseas has fallen through, and you’re a bundle of rage & depressed disappointment.

Well, I’m here to tell you to buckle in, things are about to get unimaginably crazy. 

You’re welcome! 

Over the next few days, your uncle is going to start complaining about feeling sick and he’ll ask you and mum to babysit Mia. 

You’re not going to be happy about this. You’ll actually be a bit of a jerk about it. You’ll talk about how you’re busy at work and how you’re not in the right frame of mind to babysit. Mia stays over for a couple of nights, then goes back. 

Uncle Murray isn’t getting better though.
A few days later when Mum is visiting him, she’ll get so concerned, she’ll call an ambulance.

At this point, you start to worry. 
You will get even more depressed. You’ll joke about it but you’re feeling pretty low. 

Karly heads off overseas. When she calls you from her stop-over in Sydney, you start crying and tell her that Uncle Murray is getting worse. She offers to come home. You and Mum tell her to go, and that everything will be OK. 
Uncle Murray doesn’t get better. 

There’s a day where he looks to be improving, he’s eating more. Mum even sends you a video of him from the hospital. You promise to visit him the next day. 

That’s the last direct interaction you have with him. He’ll be put into an induced coma that night and you’ll all be told that he won’t be waking up from it. You will regret not going into the hospital that day for a long time. 

You’ll cry a lot and you’ll be angry. Mum will spend her days either at the hospital or at home crying. 

The expectation will be set that Mia will come and live with you. You’ll worry about Mum. She needs help at the best of times, so you will flat out say she can’t look after a 5-year-old. 

Uncle Jimmy will come and say goodbye to his brother.  Nan will say goodbye to her son. 

You’ll say goodbye to your Uncle. You tell him that you’ll make sure Mia has the best life she possibly can. 

What’s important for you today will be a distant memory, and I’m sorry about that. 
A lot can change in 2 weeks. 

Your family and friends rally around you. Mia will stay with Helen, Tass and the girls for a while.

When Uncle Murray does pass away, he has Mum, Helen and Tass with him. It will feel like everything is imploding and you won’t know what to do. Karly will be half a world away and Mum will be a mess. 

The vision of Mum telling Mia about her Dad will stay burned in your memories for a very long time. 

Over the next year or so you’re going to struggle. You’re going to smile and joke and you’re going to do your bloody best. 
You’ll have moments when you think everything is unfair and you’ll miss your old life. 
Things get easier though, Mia becomes one of the most important people in the world. You’ll see her start prep, you’ll see her finally learn the days of the week (seriously, how does someone forget Thursday and Saturday?).

You’ll be there for her tantrums, tears, laughs, and you’ll worry.
You’ll worry that you won’t be a good role model. 
You’ll worry that she is going to hate you. 
You’ll worry that she will be broken. 

It’s ok though. Worrying is normal and yes, there are going to be plenty of days where it’s tough. There will be more days when it’s fun, easy and normal though. Mia will become a weird hybrid sister/daughter (and you’ll worry about how that’s going to mess her up too). 

Your friends will be there. The ones that you know you can count on, will be there. Some others fade into the background, their role in this chapter of your life is done. You’ll make new friends, hate work, fight with people, question your attitude and your beliefs, and randomly buy cars. 

Life will go on. Life will get better. More importantly, you’ll get better. Through everything, you’ll learn to reconcile what you will and won’t put up with from people. You’ll eventually go on your big trip and you’ll continue to exist.   

You will start to see Mia forming her own personality, she’ll start trying to be funny, and you’ll start hearing your own attitude come out of her mouth (which is really fucking shit sometimes). 

In a couple of weeks, it will be 5 years. 5 years since Uncle Murray passed away, 5 years since Mia came home. It’s still hard. There are days where she will cry because she is beginning to understand the loss she’s gone through. It won’t always be easy, but it is always worth it. 

Stay strong Tanya, every storm cloud has a crack in it. Blue skies will shine eventually. 

Signed,

Tanya of the future