I’m reading a book at the moment, hey, don’t look so shocked, I can read. It’s called ‘Life will be the death of me’ by Chelsea Handler.

She’s a famous comedian, had multiple talk shows, has released a butt-tonne of books. Her books are laugh out loud funny, and I’m generally not that person, the one who reads a book and laughs along, that’s why I have an internal voice.

Listen, there’s a point in here I promise, but let’s just do some exposition together first OK. Let me set the scene.

I’m a huge fan of Chelsea Handler. I’ve always said to my sister that I could meet pretty much any famous person and not be star struck. I’d probably just say ‘what’s up’ or not approach them at all, because that’s fucking awkward.

Chelsea Handler is the exception here. I’ve always said that if I were to meet her, I’d be star struck and awkward and embarrassing. The trifecta.

She’s fierce, hilarious, smart and can write like a boss. I’m all there for it.

When her latest book was released, I was in Dublin and couldn’t get my hands on a copy, that in itself should be a sign that I like her books so much, because Tanya of the past would just buy that sucker on iBooks and be done with it. Anyway, I figured a nice alternative was to buy the audio version.

Partly because she narrates it, and partly because I had to spend stupid amounts of time on planes and I figured it would be a great distraction.

It was. This book is fucking amazing.  It’s raw, vulnerable, funny, honest, helpful. It’s everything I want my writing to be one day. It’s also different from her previous books. She’s always honest and funny, but this is different. It’s all about breaking herself down and rebuilding. About how she built a career on brutal honesty but hasn’t been honest with herself. Dealing with loss, sadness, a dickhead president. Anyway. It’s a shockingly amazing book, and I’m convinced that anyone who reads it (or listens to it, whatever floats your pickle) will be better for it. (I finally got the actual book and have highlighted sections and questioned everything about myself. Fun).

There’s one part in the book that really gave me my ‘woah’ moment. Something so simple, but man. The quote is –

“I define me. No event or person does this. I define me. I decide who I am and how I’m going to behave, and I choose to be better. To look more carefully, to trudge deeper. To think about other people’s pasts and not judge someone for doing or handling something differently than I would. To understand my limitations, my shortcomings- that is my growth edge’

When I heard that quote on the audiobook, I just turned it off and started watching Netflix again. Too big of a headfuck at 30 odd thousand feet.  I needed to pace, deconstruct my life and have a smoke. None of which could be done in an aircraft.

When I got the book, I took a photo of that quote. Highlighted it. Sent it to a couple of people. I’ve looked at that quote so often I should consider tattooing it on my hand.

Because it’s true. Don’t get me wrong, so much of this book gives you ‘oh fuck that’s me’ moments. That quote though…  

I’ve always said that I’m not a victim. I hate people playing the victim. I hate people who don’t own their own shit.  

Not until I read that quote and thought about it, did I realise that I let so much fucking noise define who I am.

Who I can be.

Everyone has their own shit. Has faced their share of trouble. I’ve convinced myself that all the shit I’ve gone through has made me a better person.

That’s not necessarily a lie. I’ve chosen to build a better version of me out of all of this. I’ve tried to at any rate.

I’ve spent so long being defined by things that aren’t who I am. Aren’t what I am. I don’t want to be defined by these things.

By what I look like.

How I present myself.

What other people think.

Being picked on.

Being a bully.

Not being a perfect person.

So, no. That’s not who I want to be anymore. I don’t want to justify being an asshole to someone because they hurt me. I don’t want to judge people because they deal with things differently than I would.

I don’t want to be known as the person who always has to be right.

I don’t want to be the fixer.

Here’s where it gets fucked up though.

I don’t know who I want to be. What I want to be.

Is it enough though? To know what you DON’T want to be?