I’ve been told that I hold on to the past too much. A good friend once said to me that I cling to my history, through rose coloured glasses of course. That’s true. Less so now but true, nonetheless.

So instead of doing a post about 2018 and all its glorious fuckery, I’mgoing to dig a little deeper. I’m going to walk you through the Top 10 TanyaTruths. Patent that shit.

1. People are fucked (AKA people are complex).
   No matter how much you want them to, people rarely fit into the box you allocate them. Sometimes the people you feel closest to let you down. Sometimes they’re nothing like you thought they were. Sometimes their intentions aren’t great and sometimes they’re manipulative AF. People are inherently selfish, even the most noble are these complex little fucked up factories of emotions, needs, desires, and they rarely have anything to do with you. People rarely care about you in the same way you care about them. Whether it’s the people you want to be closest to, not wanting to be close to you, or whether it’s the people you don’t want to be close to you, fighting to be closer to you. You’ll not win. So, if you have a vague expectation that people aren’t always great you can avoid some of the inevitable disappointment when they’re shit.
2. Don’t be a cunt (well, too much).
   I used to pride myself on my ability to be an asshole. Cut people down, make people cry; it was my jam. Some of the best people I’ve come across though, are just good people, they’re still savage and stand up for themselves, but they’re legitimately nice, cool people. There is power in being decent. It’s not cool to be a jerk for the sake of being a jerk, who you foolin?
   Secondary to this, 3 people in your life you should always be nice to – The person who makes your coffee, the people who clean the office and the peeps who look after IT. They’re good people and often treated like dirt. Don’t be that person.
3. Stand up for your shit (fight for what you think is right)
   This may be hard for you to believe, but I spent a lot of my formative years following the direction of people who weren’t always good cunts (see point 2). I’d be a jerk to people just because it was what I was expected to do. This is a shit person to be. Don’t be that person. Be the person who stands up for the underdog, and who isn’t afraid to stand up for their values. Working in a corporate environment, I’m faced with this frequently, never let your values be jeopardised out of fear or expectation. This takes courage, but it’s fucking worth it.  
4. Love yourself (cos how the hell are ya gonna love anybody else, can I get an amen?!)
   We all have that inner voice that tells us that we’re not great, heck, sometimes we have a few outer voices doing it too. In life, you’re not always going to have a personal cheerleader, so be your own fucking cheerleader. Learn, love, and grow. Take time to do the things that make your heart happy. Whether that’s getting a massage, catching up with friends, or sitting at home in your undies and ignoring the world. You owe it to yourself to be the best version of you. Invest in yourself and don’t let any mofo tell you it’s selfish.  
5. Fucked up things happen (and not always for a reason)
   A good friend said to me recently, “everything happens for a reason, and the universe doesn’t dish out anything you can’t handle”. My response –
   Bull-fucking-shit. Fucked up shit happens, that’s been my personal motto for a while now and you know what? Sometimes there is no good reason, no fucking silver lining or lesson learnt at the end of the episode. I know too many people who haven’t made it out of the ‘bad shit’ that has happened to them. If you can learn from the shit you get dealt that’s amazing, that’s brilliant and commendable, don’t beat yourself up if you can’t see the why though.
6. Not all opinions are equal (and generally mine is the one I’m gonna like best)
   Ya know, people say that everyone is entitled to their opinion. That’s not wrong, but some people’s opinions are. I see too many racist, bigoted, ignorant people, who would probably nod along with this because they think they’re right. I understand my values and beliefs, they’re generally backed with love and research. I’m not a formally educated person, I don’t have any uni degree, but I take the time to understand things. From stupid Facebook ‘hate’ pieces to things in the news. We are lucky enough to have an infinite amount of knowledge at our fingertips these days, unfortunately, there are always going to be people who are propped up by the echo chamber of stupidity they’re surrounded by. So, I’ll listen to your opinion, but if it’s stupid, mine’s the one I’ll like best. Because I’ve fought for it.
7. Embrace your quirks (Be the weirdo)
   People spend so much of their lives trying to be normal. How fucking tiring. Be the mother fucking weirdo. It’s OK to not be the same as everyone else. I’m an odd duck at the best of times. I’m quirky and weird. I’m loud and obnoxious sometimes. I read comics, play video games, and still do a 9 – 5 as a fully sick business chick. Nobody is remembered for being normal.
8. Never stop trying to be a good cunt (be a better version of you)
   I’m a seriously flawed human. I still do things that make internal Tanya cringe. I still manage to hurt people without realising. Or sometimes I do realise it and justify it because of who I am as a person. I know I tend to hurt people if they hurt me (even if they don’t realise they’ve done it). For someone who tries to be so in touch with their emotions, I sometimes forget how easy it is for me to respond in the moment and go for the jugular. The point here is, I still manage to fuck up epically, I still take the easy way out, and I am not always right (Take a screenshot cos I rarely admit that). The difference is, I keep trying to be a better version of myself. Sometimes that is enough.  
9. Learn from shit then let it go (don’t hold on to toxicity because you’re worth more than that)
   Oooh girl, can I hold a grudge. Not even a grudge, I hold on to being hurt by people for so long that the impacts of it are felt long after those people are gone from my life. I, to this very day, hold onto things that I know I should let go of. Friendships, ex-friendships, work drama. I allow myself to suffer in that fucking awkwardness of ‘what the fuck could I have done differently?’ replaying stupid conversations and situations in my head, hoping to find a way I can get back at them for making me feel weak. That’s super unhelpful and not healthy. People are dicks (see point 1), push yourself to build that bridge and let go of it. Learn from it baby, but don’t hold it. You’ll end up being a drainer and nobody likes a drainer. Master your destiny bitch.
10. Be better than your worst action. (And understand others are too).
    Give yourself a fucking break, yeah? I could write a book about the dumb, hurtful, shit I’ve done. Hey, maybe I will.
    I’m better than the worst thing I’ve done. No, I’m not proud of shit, but I won’t be any cunt’s villain. I’m better than that, and I need that to push me forward. One of my all-time favourite quotes is ‘Be the person you needed when you were younger’.
    Extend that. Be the person who lifts people up when they’ve fallen, not laughs at it. Stop beating yourself up over shit stuff. Grow from it, let it go, or at any rate – BE BETTER, that’s all you can try to do.

So there we have it kids, my top ten tips on being a fully sick cunt.Follow these rules and… well, I don’t know. I’m still plenty messed up andcrazy, but at least I can blog about it now.  

2018 was an interesting time. I learnt so much about who I am and who Idon’t want to be. I made some amazing friends, I lost some too, I startedprioritising myself, mentally, physically, emotionally, and I try to understandothers more too.

And I’m still a combination sick and shit cunt.

So, to all the people who have been part of the journey, thank you.You’re good people. Merry festivus and here is to a fucking epic 2019.