One would assume that I am well versed in change these days. From a completely unbiased perspective, I feel that I’ve experienced a fair amount of change in the past few years. Change is a part of life; you need to change to grow.

Comfort zones are a thing though. They exist, and just like it says on the box; they’re comfortable. So, after the whirlwind which has been the past few years of my life, I found that I’ve often stayed within my comfort zone and not branched out.

A bit of advice I received from an old colleague was ‘Never let comfort get in the way of your professional reputation’. I used that logic to the extreme though; when work would get rough, I’d quit. There was a 5-year period where I had 5 different jobs, I learned a lot during that period, but I also learned a damaging way to handle confrontation and unhappiness.

I’m not suggesting that if you’re unhappy in a situation you should remain in it. That’s naïve and harmful. I’m suggesting though that blindly running away from difficult situations doesn’t help either.

The thing is, my life hasn’t been the easiest for the past couple of years. Change was kind of forced on me. So, I let myself revel in the parts of my life which I could control and which were comfortable.

Work became my second home. It would be the place I’d run to when everything at home became too much. I had a family there; a team and colleagues who I loved dearly. Ironically, I was a change manager when everything turned to shit. On a professional level, I understand why people are reluctant to change. I do. That was my bread and butter, people.  I knew how to manage that. That was my job, and I’ve always thought I was decent at my job.

Life started to bleed into work, a morbid co-dependency was formed. The more my life threw shit at me, the more I’d stick to what I knew, what I could control. Even when I was unhappy at work, I was still content. Even when redundancy and restructures were thrown around, I was able to manage it – because what the fuck is that compared to my actual life?!

It damaged me though. I’ve never felt as incapable in my work, as I have this past year. I could draw maps and explain it away, I can blame people other than myself, point fingers and play the victim. That’s not helpful though, is it?

For years work became my biggest support, I had guidance and structure and I felt supported enough to succeed. That changed. I don’t know when. Well, I probably do. Whatever.

I became the epitome of all that I disliked; negative, victim, not in control. The one thing that saw me through some of my darkest days, became the key thing in my life that made me miserable.

In a sense that helped though, I could avoid the cluster-fuck of my personal life, by creating villains in my work life. This isn’t a TV show though; this is my life. There is no lesson at the end of the season, no big bad to slay. There’s just a very broken person who couldn’t see passed their own loathing and self-deprecation.

No longer was I the girl who would quit when things got hard and uncomfortable, arrogant and sure that she would land on her feet. I was defeated and legitimately believed I failed. That I couldn’t do all the things I used to do with ease.

My professional reputation isn’t what it used to be. I can talk the talk, I always can, but underneath it all I’m low-key terrified that I can’t do this shit anymore. How do I get stakeholders to believe in me, when I’ve been beaten down to the point where I don’t fucking know anymore?

It impacted my home life. It impacted the sister-cousin-daughter. I worked longer hours. I was miserable and on the verge of some fucked up depressing breakdown.

And I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything about it, besides blame and complain and cry and feel like an absolute twat.

I didn’t know what to do. I was offered another job externally, I was actually offered a couple. But I just couldn’t. I couldn’t make the move; my comfort zone existed. And this Buffy quote kept playing in my head, on repeat, like my own internal mantra of self-loathing

“It’s like the world’s still moving, but you’re stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. You’re sinking a little deeper every day, and nobody even sees!”

I’ve been real lucky with making friends at work. Some of the best people I know are ex-colleagues. Friendships mean a lot to me. Trust too. Sometimes though, I forget that at work, people aren’t always themselves, they’re not always upfront and they are generally driving their own agenda. Which makes complete sense, when you’re assessing things from a non-emotional point of view. I wasn’t though, everything was personal, and, at work it can’t be personal. It’s work, it’s a business.

For the life of me I just wanted someone to make my mind up for me. Be honest with me, tell me what I needed to do. The problem with that though, I was, and still am, a stubborn asshole. Don’t tell me how to live my life. You don’t know me.

I was very lost for a long time and I needed to stop. How do you stop when you don’t know what’s wrong?

You fall back on old habits; you find a new job. And I did. I am in a new role, in the same company. It’s a field that is completely new to me. I’m not leading a team; I’m leading myself.

It’s terrifying. In a really great way though.

I miss my team; I miss my comfort zone.

I don’t miss feeling like a miserable cunt though. I have new challenges, new opportunities, and a new-found resolution.

I got this.

 

Tan